Conversations with aging parents require compassion

I recently witnessed a conversation at a restaurant between a woman and her mother. The woman appeared to be in her fifties or sixties and her mother in her seventies or eighties.

The waitress was quickly listing the specials of the day, looking down at the table as she poured waters for the ladies.

The mother, who appeared to be having difficulty hearing the waitress, remained silent as she tried to piece together the jumbled words.

As the daughter waited, she used the situation to say, “See mom, this is why you should not be driving anymore, you can’t hear.

While a lot is being said these days about the effects of loneliness and social isolation on older adults’ mental and physical health, I am going to turn to the other side of the coin for a moment.

If you, like me, are an extrovert, and have a busy work and social life, some solitude or “me time” is not only a benefit, but also a requirement.

For all of us, life is a balancing act. I find that while I get energized from being around others, when there is too much of it, I begin to feel tired and stressed.

Fortunately, I naturally gravitate to things I can do solo when my social cup is overflowing.

It is my family’s belief that my mother is the best driver among us.

In addition to a spotless driving record, when she parks her car at her house, she must back into a tiny one car garage that has an unforgiving margin of error. None of us are willing to back her car in ourselves, for fear that we will break off one of her side mirrors.

We joke that when she fails to successfully back into her garage, we will know it’s time to take the keys away.

Just this year, my mother had to renew her driver’s license right before her 90^th birthday.

She completed the entire process online, no driving test, vision test or exam required. She resides in New Hampshire, so the rules for driver license renewals differ from here in California.

A few weeks ago, I attended the national conference of the Society for Certified Senior Advisors.

The Certified Senior Advisor (CSA)® credential can be earned by professionals by demonstrating their competence and knowledge in working with older adults. I have held this designation since 2008.

I attended the conference as part of my continuing education.

One of the sessions I attended was titled, The Case for Divorce Financial Planning.

It was presented by Carol Lee Roberts who is the President of the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts (IDFA). IDFA provides specialized training to accounting, financial, and legal professionals in the field of pre-divorce financial planning.

Many years ago, I volunteered at a hospital. 

One of my duties was filling in for the floor secretary (remember, it was years ago) when she went to lunch or was on break.

As part of the job, I had a copy of the census or a listing of all the patients on that floor, so that when a physician or lab tech came to see a patient, I could direct them to the right room.

Next to each patient’s name was their primary diagnosis.

Almost half of the patients had a diagnosis of sepsis. The Internet was not around at the time, and I left my encyclopedias at home with my parents when I graduated college, so I really had no way of knowing what sepsis was, but I could tell it was prevalent.

How old are you? 

Well, that depends on what’s being measured.

Aging is the process of getting older. Old age is less defined. People do not become "older" or "elderly" at any specific age.

Traditionally, age 65 has been designated as the beginning of older age, but as we experience longer life spans, this marker will likely be increased. For example, full retirement age for Social Security benefits has grown from age 65 to age 67 for those born in 1960 or later. 

Some say, "age is just a number" referring to the fact that person's age doesn't define who they or what they can still achieve. There are many ways to measure age, some more scientific than others.

The simplest and least scientific is chronological age,

I just returned from possibly the best vacation of my life.

The memories I brought back will stay with me forever.

The trip began with the culmination of six months of planning for a big catered backyard BBQ for my mom’s 90^th birthday. The tent was set, tables in place, the garden groomed, tribute table and wall of photos in place, and the buffet was laid out with everything from baby back ribs to lobster rolls.

Sixty friends and family gathered on a sunny New Hampshire afternoon to pay tribute to a woman who has provided a lifetime of care for those around her.

Guests came to the microphone to share their memories of how my mom touched their lives. Each story was a precious gift to my mom, my sisters and me.

For the last couple of weeks, Senior Concerns’ Adult Day participants have had been treated to two special guests. Their names are Romeo and Ziggy, and both are wonderful visitors – kind, friendly, affectionate and they seem to really enjoy their time at the center. What may be a bit out of the ordinary is that Romeo and Ziggy are miniature horses.

Given a moment or two of social interaction with these visitors, the participants brighten and become more outgoing. Romeo and Ziggy have that special effect on those around them.

One participant, as she petted Ziggy, broke out in an ear-to-ear smile as she reminisced about her time around horses as a child.

With the issue front and center in President Joe Biden's bid for reelection, discussions about age-related memory challenges are receiving much attention these days.

Here at Senior Concerns, we frequently hear these concerns. It is often the reason that someone reaches out to sign up for our free neuropsychologist-led memory screenings.

When people call, they say “I don’t remember information as well as I once did. Last week I could not remember where I parked the car in the mall parking lot,” or “I’m having difficulty coming up with the right word at the right moment, and the harder I try to remember, my brain locks up.” They want to be tested to see if their concern is warranted.

The cognitive test the neuropsychologist uses is a short, quick test to check how well a person’s brain is functioning. These tests don’t diagnose specific diseases. Instead, they identify a problem with cognition and the need for more in-depth testing.

The other day my husband and I were having a very early dinner at one of the restaurants on Westlake Lake. Because it was so early, we were the only customers in the restaurant.

In walked a man, about our age, with a pretty floral arrangement.

Being the chatty gal that I am, and since there were no other patrons around, I asked him if he was there for a birthday or an anniversary.

“No,” he said, “I am here to propose!” 

Well, that sure took us by surprise.