The other day I was talking to my mom about a challenging interaction I was having with a gentleman. My mom was amused at this person’s bad behavior.

I jokingly told my mother, “If you think he is so funny, maybe you should spend time with him.”

My mother quickly responded by saying, “I’d have to tell him where the dog died.”

We both had a good laugh. I remember this saying from long ago and interpreted it to mean my mom would sharply correct this person if he were in her world.

I love that my mom, especially at her age, saw herself as having the feeling of independence enough to put this person in their place.

It reminded me just how important independence is as an older adult.

Last week, the administration sent a memo seeking to pause potentially trillions of dollars in government loans, grants, and financial assistance. That memo was later rescinded, but it did create confusion and uncertainty, particularly in the nonprofit world.

While we are not sure what the future holds, a substantial amount of local Meals on Wheels funding is through the federal government, handed down to states and counties through Older Americans Act grant funding.

Each year, through Senior Concerns’ Meals On Wheels/Home Delivered Meals programs, we deliver over 65,000 meals to 450 homebound seniors. These seniors reside in Thousand Oaks, Newbury Park, Oak Park, Westlake Village and Agoura Hills.

When I consider the word “home” it conjures up a safe haven. A place where one can live alone or with loved ones and a place to enjoy with friends. It’s a place to build memories and a place where we can truly just be ourselves.

It is easy to see why aging in place, or remaining in our home as we age, has such an allure. Also, as my mom tells me, “When you get old, like I am, you just don’t like a lot of change.”

That makes a lot of sense logically until it doesn’t. Life, especially at an older age, often brings with it physical changes and sometimes cognitive ones that challenge our assumptions about our home being a safe haven.

When stairs become a problem in reaching your bedroom, bathroom or laundry room, or when you are unable to enter your bathtub due to balance issues, or you must commit to a life of social isolation because you can no longer hear the telephone or doorbell ring; these unthinkable changes can make a home a dangerous place to be.

A friend stopped by over the holidays to say hello.

I knew her from work activities, and we became friends, grabbing lunch occasionally and sharing anecdotes about our lives. She was a highly skilled individual, educated, and successful. I enjoy my time with her because our conversations are stimulating.

My friend has been retired for over a year now after planning and announcing her decision a full year in advance.

We began to talk about her old work life, and she recounted something that recently happened that upset her.

She ran into an old work acquaintance, a gentleman, who asked her (referring to her retirement), “What do you do?”

My friend recently shared with me that after making plans for her mother and father to come to her house for Christmas, they unexpectedly changed their mind and told her they weren’t coming.

The original plan was that one of her adult children would pick her parents up and make the hour drive to her house. They would stay a few days and join their daughter celebrating Christmas Eve with extended family a town over and then spend Christmas at her home with her family.

This had been their holiday ritual for years. As an only child, she looked forward to sharing holiday traditions with her parents.

My friend sounded so disheartened as she explained to me that her parents are in their late 80’s and may not have many more Christmas where they would be healthy enough and capable of visiting her home.

Right after the Thanksgiving holiday, while we were chatting on the phone, I asked my 90-year-old mother what she was doing.

She told me she was in the den in her recliner with her feet elevated. She explained that for the last few days her ankles were swollen and her legs felt tired.

She said, “Yesterday, I elevated my feet very high. The swelling has gone down a little, but one of my legs feels very heavy.”

She attributed it to too much salt.

When I explained to her that swollen feet and ankles and heaviness in her legs might be signs of a heart issue, she said ardently, “I know, I read that on the internet.”

Recently, my mother’s 88-year-old sister fell.

As she went down, her husband said, “You just broke your hip.”

I am not sure if being a medic in the army sixty years ago qualified him to make that diagnosis, but he was right.

My aunt and uncle live about 90 minutes from their only daughter, my cousin Beth.

As Beth rushed to the hospital, I am sure she was thinking of her mother, but also about her husband who was currently receiving chemotherapy and radiation for a tumor in his throat. He had been having an extremely difficult time eating and lost almost twenty pounds in a matter of weeks. The doctors were talking about inserting a feeding tube that week.

Beth arrived at the hospital and learned her mother’s surgeon wanted to perform a total hip replacement. They were checking her heart to ensure it was strong enough for the surgery.

Conversations with aging parents require compassion

I recently witnessed a conversation at a restaurant between a woman and her mother. The woman appeared to be in her fifties or sixties and her mother in her seventies or eighties.

The waitress was quickly listing the specials of the day, looking down at the table as she poured waters for the ladies.

The mother, who appeared to be having difficulty hearing the waitress, remained silent as she tried to piece together the jumbled words.

As the daughter waited, she used the situation to say, “See mom, this is why you should not be driving anymore, you can’t hear.

While a lot is being said these days about the effects of loneliness and social isolation on older adults’ mental and physical health, I am going to turn to the other side of the coin for a moment.

If you, like me, are an extrovert, and have a busy work and social life, some solitude or “me time” is not only a benefit, but also a requirement.

For all of us, life is a balancing act. I find that while I get energized from being around others, when there is too much of it, I begin to feel tired and stressed.

Fortunately, I naturally gravitate to things I can do solo when my social cup is overflowing.

It is my family’s belief that my mother is the best driver among us.

In addition to a spotless driving record, when she parks her car at her house, she must back into a tiny one car garage that has an unforgiving margin of error. None of us are willing to back her car in ourselves, for fear that we will break off one of her side mirrors.

We joke that when she fails to successfully back into her garage, we will know it’s time to take the keys away.

Just this year, my mother had to renew her driver’s license right before her 90^th birthday.

She completed the entire process online, no driving test, vision test or exam required. She resides in New Hampshire, so the rules for driver license renewals differ from here in California.