My friend recently shared with me that after making plans for her mother and father to come to her house for Christmas, they unexpectedly changed their mind and told her they weren’t coming.

The original plan was that one of her adult children would pick her parents up and make the hour drive to her house. They would stay a few days and join their daughter celebrating Christmas Eve with extended family a town over and then spend Christmas at her home with her family.

This had been their holiday ritual for years. As an only child, she looked forward to sharing holiday traditions with her parents.

My friend sounded so disheartened as she explained to me that her parents are in their late 80’s and may not have many more Christmas where they would be healthy enough and capable of visiting her home.

With her adult children leading busy lives, the Christmas holiday was the ideal time for everyone to be together and enjoy each other’s company.

She began to think how lonely her parents would feel without her big Christmas dinner, unwrapping of presents, driving around town to see all the lights and other traditions of the season. She imagined them alone at home feeling lonesome.

She just could not figure out what made them change their mind. They had come for Thanksgiving and seemed to enjoy themselves. She wondered what was their motivation behind cancelling and doing so right before the holiday when plans had been made?

She had not been able to get a straight answer from them, so we brainstormed about what might have motivated the change.

Recently her mother called one late afternoon telling her she was too tired to cook dinner, and would my friend order food via Door Dash for them. Maybe their energy levels were getting low and the thought of packing for the trip to her house, a long car ride and interacting with everyone at holiday events, may just seem like too much to handle.

Right after the Thanksgiving holiday, both parents had become unsteady on their feet and began using a walker. It could be that their change in mobility had them thinking that they would be too much trouble for my friend, necessitating an empty trunk to fit both walkers in and possibly having to move furniture so they could get around her house.

My friend also noted with her three adult children and one daughter-in-law coming and going all the time, they have had more than their fair share of COVID incidents. It could be that her parents were afraid of getting sick. Her father had recently had COVID after their Thanksgiving visit, and it landed him in the hospital for a day, so it is easy to see how the possibility of catching something might concern them.

I wondered if her parents thought they were becoming too much of a burden for my friend, if they were experiencing other challenges they didn’t want her to see, or if they just longed for the routine and normalcy of their own home for the holiday.

Whatever the reason, the brainstorming did help alleviate some of my friend’s sadness as she could see that they may have some valid reasons for wanting to remain at home.

I asked her what would help her to feel better about her parents remaining at home and she came up with a few great ideas.

First, she would make plans for her family to FaceTime with her parents on Christmas day.

My friend would ship their gifts to them, so they had something to open Christmas morning, and she would add some of her famous Christmas cookies to the package.

Lastly, she would find a local restaurant to order food for them so they could have a meal with all the trimmings.

Acknowledging that celebrating holidays with us might be just too much for our older loved ones takes understanding, compassion, and putting our own needs aside to allow them to enjoy the holiday in a more comfortable setting.

My friend plans to visit her parents after the holidays, to spend some time visiting with them, and to see how they are functioning at home. She hopes this might give her some insight into why they chose to stay at home for Christmas.