Conversations with aging parents require compassion

I recently witnessed a conversation at a restaurant between a woman and her mother. The woman appeared to be in her fifties or sixties and her mother in her seventies or eighties.

The waitress was quickly listing the specials of the day, looking down at the table as she poured waters for the ladies.

The mother, who appeared to be having difficulty hearing the waitress, remained silent as she tried to piece together the jumbled words.

As the daughter waited, she used the situation to say, “See mom, this is why you should not be driving anymore, you can’t hear. What happens if someone honks their horn to warn you of danger, or an ambulance or a fire truck approaches, and you don’t pull over because you can’t hear them? If you don’t stop driving, I have a mind to call the DMV and report you,” the daughter’s voice rising louder with each word.

With a long-suffering look in her eyes, the mother says to the waitress, “My daughter thinks I should not be driving, but in fact I am the best driver in the entire family. I have never had a ticket or an accident.”

The waitress sympathizes with both, as she patiently waits for their order.

As I sat eating my lunch, I put myself in both their shoes.

I am guessing the daughter’s emotions ranged from fear that her mother might get into an accident and be seriously hurt, or hurt someone else, to anger that her mother would not listen to reason, and frustration that she had to be “the bad guy” in this situation.

I could hear exhaustion in the daughter’s voice. I thought to myself, maybe she is feeling burdened in caring for her mother.

The mother, on the other hand, likely felt embarrassment as her shortcomings (hearing loss) were broadcast to the waitress and surrounding customers. She probably felt belittled, like a child being scolded, and she may have had some level of fear that her daughter may follow through on her threat to contact the DMV and she might lose her license, and with it her freedom.

I sympathized with the mother, as I thought about the life she had led, where she was in control and did not have to answer to anyone about her abilities.

The conversation sounded like one that had occurred before, and both parties remained resolute in their beliefs.

Adult children can experience a range of emotions as their parents' age and their abilities change.

Similar emotions occur for older adults who experience loss of health and a diminished ability to perform daily activities.

These emotions may include anxiety, fear, sadness, anger, guilt, and frustration, and while feelings like these are normal, they can be challenging to deal with and damaging to a relationship.

It’s not easy to reframe and revisit a conversation in a more productive way when earlier patterns have been established, but it can be done.

As we get older, attempts to hold on to our independence can be at odds with well-intentioned children who want to keep us safe.

One place to begin is for both parties to acknowledge that no one wants to lose control of their life, and fighting back is a very normal response.

Understanding why a parent may be resisting can be key to better communication.

It was easy to see as an outside observer that the daughter made some missteps in the restaurant conversation with her mother. She was picking an argument and doing so publicly. And she was making threats.

With a change of venue and a better mindset, the daughter may be able to explain to her mother that she has a problem of worrying too much and that this is a burden to her.

She could further explain, if her mother were open to getting her hearing checked, and treated if needed, she may be able to relieve her daughter’s burden and continue to remain independent.

Tough conversations are never easy. They require understanding and compassion.